3 Days, 19 hours 55 minutes and 10 seconds, that’s the time left until I present to hospital for surgery.

As a control freak and recovering perfectionist and as someone who likes to departmentalize “box” my life I’m still coming to terms with all this.

I’ve had quite a few medical appointments over the past few weeks and this week has all been about consolidation, making sure I know enough about what is going to happen to me, but not too much and make sure I’m prepared as well as I can be for the journey ahead.

In my head I thought that journey was coming to an end with surgery. Not in the slightest, the journey to now will end but a new one will start. Somehow I thought that it would mean I would be quickly back on my feet and all would be well again.

Guess I somehow escaped to a dream world. I can not begin to explain the mental anguish and pain i’ve come through these past months. It really has stolen my life, my general well being. It’s totally changed my perspiration of the world. When I look to go out I factor in the weather, how’ll I’ll get there, what sort of parking is there, if the ground is flat, if the ground is slanted or if the ground is loose (rubble etc) I also have to get my paing management correct. I have about a 3 hour window of “less pain” get it wrong and I’m even more nausious than normal or worse stuck somewhere in deblitating pain.

What this means is that is it forced me to become a lot more self aware and self check a lot, which is very hard to do so often.

One of the key things from this week is everyone is wishing me ‘good luck’

I find this notion interesting, as it would indicate a degree of “luck” is required.

Was it bad luck I’ve managed to injure myself so badly that surgery is the answer? It might be, but the road back to recovery is not luck its a mind set, determination and as my physio said to me this morning, being stubborn helps.

I’m hard on myself and don’t always give myself credit where credit is due, plus I burden myself with expectations, it’s in my nature. Not sure where it comes from but it does get in the way.

It amazes me how sporting professionals have massive injuries and you hear about their dedication to recovery. I’m not saying my injuries or rehab is anything like this but for where I’m at the road to recovery appears long and hard.

The week ahead is still largely unknown, I have an idea of what is on the horizon but exactly what the new day will look like is not an exact science.

All I know is that I’m prepared the best I can be and I have great support around me.

When I met with the surgeon doing the week to go over a mile long list of questions I had he mentioned that I would have some serious down time post op.

When you bugger up a major weight baring part of your body like I have, post op you literally have to STOP. This means non weight bearing and living R.I.C.E. (Rest, Ice,Compression, Elevate)

I wasn’t ready to hear from my surgeon that to go forward I have to go back. I’ve spent the last few weeks strength training to ensure I’m as well as I can be so that the rebound from surgery is as short as possible.

It’s now time to literally put my life in the hands over others to help me through to the next stage in my life and “they” say this journey and experience will make me stronger as a result.

What this experience/journey to date has done is made me more aware of myself, my surroundings and highlighted both my strengths and weaknesses.

I think it’s from that and being able to recover from that depth of constant chronic pain, the constant nausea and medicine side effect. To the self doubt and loss of hope is where that character building comes from.

It’s one hell of a journey and I’m looking and facing rehab full on so I can get back on my feet and get my life back.

I started in October 2011 to regain my life, this has slowed me down, far more than I had ever imagined. To believe in your self, have confidence in yourself and to achieve your goals no matter how big or small that is what it is about.

So as always, “You can slow me down, but you will never stop me”

I keep pitching it and I’m getting better and believing it.

I have no idea when I’ll update this blog again, enough to say bring it on (the rehab that is) so  can get back to doing what I love. The surgery still worries me!