So what’s wrong with me?

I have a Lateral taler dome enterer osteoschondral defect with chronic synovitis

In the subtaler joint I have a lateral process of the talus fracture which is more commonly known as “snowboarders ankle”

All I know is that over the past four months I have been in constant pain, despite rest and being placed in a “moon boot” for four week,  the pain (the worst I have ever experinced) and inablity to walk or weight bare comfortably on the ankle (I’ve been virtually full time crutches for the past 6 weeks)  has got to me the point I am now unable to work.

I have spent the past couple of weeks trying to build my strength up to put myself in the best condition for surgery.

Part of who I am as a person is what I do for a job, right now that job is getting myself better so I can return to work.

Currently I am unable to stand for longer than five minutes at a time and unable to walk any great distance without stopping for a rest.

Being on crutches means I am loading up various parts of my body to compenstate and they are not coping with this pressure.

There for I am now soley foccused on recovery. To date I have been doing “pre-hab” and surgery is scheduled for the morning of Wednesday.

The surgery itself is fairly short around 45 minutes however the preperation will take time. Thankfully the bulk of the surgery will be by arthroscopy, with one open incission to remove a bone fragment.

I have a checklist of things I need to do and not do prior to surgery and having not been through surgery as an adult it will be an interesting experince.

I’m not going to post more about my fear and concerns as yet, I don’t think that would be wise.

So for now, I think I have managed to finally get this post out of my system and I can now try and hopefully get some sleep!

3 Days, 19 hours 55 minutes and 10 seconds, that’s the time left until I present to hospital for surgery.

As a control freak and recovering perfectionist and as someone who likes to departmentalize “box” my life I’m still coming to terms with all this.

I’ve had quite a few medical appointments over the past few weeks and this week has all been about consolidation, making sure I know enough about what is going to happen to me, but not too much and make sure I’m prepared as well as I can be for the journey ahead.

In my head I thought that journey was coming to an end with surgery. Not in the slightest, the journey to now will end but a new one will start. Somehow I thought that it would mean I would be quickly back on my feet and all would be well again.

Guess I somehow escaped to a dream world. I can not begin to explain the mental anguish and pain i’ve come through these past months. It really has stolen my life, my general well being. It’s totally changed my perspiration of the world. When I look to go out I factor in the weather, how’ll I’ll get there, what sort of parking is there, if the ground is flat, if the ground is slanted or if the ground is loose (rubble etc) I also have to get my paing management correct. I have about a 3 hour window of “less pain” get it wrong and I’m even more nausious than normal or worse stuck somewhere in deblitating pain.

What this means is that is it forced me to become a lot more self aware and self check a lot, which is very hard to do so often.

One of the key things from this week is everyone is wishing me ‘good luck’

I find this notion interesting, as it would indicate a degree of “luck” is required.

Was it bad luck I’ve managed to injure myself so badly that surgery is the answer? It might be, but the road back to recovery is not luck its a mind set, determination and as my physio said to me this morning, being stubborn helps.

I’m hard on myself and don’t always give myself credit where credit is due, plus I burden myself with expectations, it’s in my nature. Not sure where it comes from but it does get in the way.

It amazes me how sporting professionals have massive injuries and you hear about their dedication to recovery. I’m not saying my injuries or rehab is anything like this but for where I’m at the road to recovery appears long and hard.

The week ahead is still largely unknown, I have an idea of what is on the horizon but exactly what the new day will look like is not an exact science.

All I know is that I’m prepared the best I can be and I have great support around me.

When I met with the surgeon doing the week to go over a mile long list of questions I had he mentioned that I would have some serious down time post op.

When you bugger up a major weight baring part of your body like I have, post op you literally have to STOP. This means non weight bearing and living R.I.C.E. (Rest, Ice,Compression, Elevate)

I wasn’t ready to hear from my surgeon that to go forward I have to go back. I’ve spent the last few weeks strength training to ensure I’m as well as I can be so that the rebound from surgery is as short as possible.

It’s now time to literally put my life in the hands over others to help me through to the next stage in my life and “they” say this journey and experience will make me stronger as a result.

What this experience/journey to date has done is made me more aware of myself, my surroundings and highlighted both my strengths and weaknesses.

I think it’s from that and being able to recover from that depth of constant chronic pain, the constant nausea and medicine side effect. To the self doubt and loss of hope is where that character building comes from.

It’s one hell of a journey and I’m looking and facing rehab full on so I can get back on my feet and get my life back.

I started in October 2011 to regain my life, this has slowed me down, far more than I had ever imagined. To believe in your self, have confidence in yourself and to achieve your goals no matter how big or small that is what it is about.

So as always, “You can slow me down, but you will never stop me”

I keep pitching it and I’m getting better and believing it.

I have no idea when I’ll update this blog again, enough to say bring it on (the rehab that is) so  can get back to doing what I love. The surgery still worries me!

Given that I can’t stand and cook and I’m over high greasy/ fat foods have conceded to lite n ezy for the time being, just for dinner. While I prefer fresh food, at least this way it’s healthy

So this topic has been on my mind to post about for sometime.

I’ve also not been coping to well with the idea and haven’t felt comfortable talking about it in any great detail.

At the moment I’m struggling to get around, to do so I’m using crutches.

Essentially I have a bone fragment floating around in my ankle, some cartilage damage and some other swelling and damaged tissue.

Surgery I’m told is going to be fairly straight forward ankle arthroscopy with a separate incision to remove the bone fragment.

It’s day surgery and full recovery time is around six weeks. I had initially thought that I would be walking freely straight after surgery, but this isn’t going to be the case. It will all come down to how I go, but essentially I will need to stay off the ankle for a couple of days post OP, then limit weight bearing if any for a few days and then be on crutches for about a week.

I really had hoped to get rid of the crutches, while they mean I can get around a bit easier having both your arms taken up with them makes shopping and general carry tasks very difficult. I’m very lucky that one of my sisters made a shoulder bag for me to use.

I’ve not had surgery before under a general anesthetic, the last surgery I had was under a local and I went into shock.

I met with my surgeon today to go through a list of concerns I had and even though he was running 35 minutes late to see me and I kept him longer than the scheduled time he was all too happy to answer in detail to my satisfaction every single question I asked.

I have complete confidence in this surgeon and while I’m still not exactly sure of what to exactly expect, I’ve been briefed the best and I’m in good hands.

Now I’m happy with where that is at, I’m now consolidating my approach and am focused on making sure I’m as fit and well as possible.

I have been in the pool three days in a row and even trained for an hour yesterday. Today was a rest day and it’s back to the gym pool tomorrow.

I’m not going to be cleared for the gym pool for at least two weeks post surgery, so I’m in the process of making contact with a rehab hydo pool near home which I hope to make use of. They work with a lot of workcover type and pre and post op patients, with a deeper pool then the gym and one kept at 34 degrees I expect it to be refreshing 🙂

So consolidation and pre surgery prep is where it’s at, I’m also looking forward to restocking the pantry and fridge with fresh fruit, veg and meat. I’ve let it slip and I’m not enjoying what I’m eating.

So I’ve neglected my blog again, I’m over it 🙂

I have ideas I just don’t have the dedication to update it regularly, I update when I can.

I was going to post on another topic tonight, but through my RSS feeds I noticed a friend post about a upcoming movie called Inspired.

It tracks a whole pile of people who for one reason or another get inspired to make lifestyle change, it follows their journey and they document it.

The movie is based on their observations.

One of the stories covered is a USA special services officer who did too many para shoot jumps and ended up unable to work unaided.

Rather then accepting this he fought hard, didn’t take no for an answer and can now run.

The video here is his story Never, Ever, Give Up. Arthur’s Inspirational Story

For me my crisis came from a cardiac scare, type 2 diabetes scare and a strong belief I was missing out on life.

I’ve just turned 34 a couple of months ago and I have a lot of life yet to live.

My choices over the past few years haven’t been great. In diet and exercise and in so many other ways.

I’m sick of having to shop in special “Mr Big shops” I’m sick of things of the rack not fitting. While we are all unique and we should stand out, your size and shape should not be the reason you stand out.

I want to be different and see as such and that is why I’m inspired to make the changes I’m making.

Now I’m not for a minute comparing my current situation with Arthur. I am however saying that we all in own ways need to be inspired and be inspired.

For me I’ve pulled together a team of people who I work well with. We have a common goal. It’s not one thats easy to achieve but we are all fully committed.

Today I engaged a new personal trainer to supplement one I am already using. There is nothing wrong with my current PT but I wanted to add to the challenge.

Tonight I am now paying for that challenge and expect to be even sore tomorrow, but as the new PT pointed out. My lower body might be broken but there is absolutely nothing majorly wrong with my upper body.

It still surprises me even now how I can remain so positive and focused on the path ahead (rehab) for I know it’s not something I can do by myself.

I do however know that where I can’t do it by myself I have those around me with their help I can.

It might be the co-worker who doesn’t see me for a while and remarks on the changes they notice.

It might be the PT that pushes more out of you when you think you’ve got nothing less.

It might be yourself stopping you from making bad food choices.

In the end its up to you to make the change, have the confidence and belief that you can do it, no is not the answer.

This afternoon with a lot  of care and a bit too much fear I managed to get back into the pool.

It was fair to say I was having kittens over the whole process, while I normally pull on my support network to help me overcome aver-city after getting the clearance from my surgeon and physio it was up to me to make it happen.

I have to be careful with my pain management as I’m riding extremely high pain levels right now and I need to ensure that it is medicated accordingly. The problem with this is all the pain killers I’m taking come with strong drowsy warnings. The main one I am having to use right now not only makes me heavily drowsy, it puts me off balance and makes me nauseous. Not great when your feeling nervous to start with and in familiar surroundings but unsure of your abilities.

So finally worked out that about after an  hour of taking the medication I’m at a comfortable level where I can safely drive and leave myself enough time to get into and out of the gym and safely back home.

Now it might seem I’m paranoid, we yes I am. It’s a battle for me to get around and because of my size and the crutches and the way I walk I do stand out. I need to ensure that I’m safe and I don’t put myself in a bad situation.

Anyhow I manged to get a park right by the door and the lift is nearby. Headed up to reception to check in and pick up towels.

I’ve been swapping messages with one of the PT’s at the Gym and I had hope to catch her today on my visit but I was thinking that she had left prior to be turning up.

Turns out she spotted me just as I entered and we had a few great moments to meet and touch base. We had that little awkward moment where she looked at me, I looked at her and she ask ed “you wouldn’t be Ian by any chance?” I laughed and said “yep” When I looked at her I thought I wonder if that’s her., I thought to myself wouldn’t it be funny if we were to meet even when I’d written that chance off, we did! Something finally goes right, even something I hadn’t even planned!

Was finally great to meet someone who I’ve shared a lot with, but never had the chance to meet until now.

Back on topic, so rather than use the normal change rooms I used the disabled/ family change area. They do have a dedicated disabled change room but there are no lockers which didn’t make it practical for me to use. I preferred to use the family change area. A little hard to use as there are no seats of decent sized benches.

Got changed and slowly made my way into the wet area.

I’ve been a member of this gym for over  7 years and I know the pool area well. What I was worried about is the grip of my crutches on the floor, if they slip I’m stuffed. I learnt the hard way about slipping crutches on wet surfaces during the week when it rained. I put a lot of download pressure  on my crutches and I need  a solid,  stable connection to the ground. Thankfully it was fine, got to the entrance of the pool, put my bag down and stored everything. Carefully limped over to the shower to rinse before entering the pool.

Now at this point I was without crutches, slowly does it.

I really didn’t get any instruction on how to use crutches, they are fairly straight forward. to use. However one thing  that isn’t easy to use while on crutches is stairs.

I turned to YouTube sometime ago to help me deal with this.

The below video while dealing with arm crutches the method with elbow crutches is the same http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYzUQb79_Rw

I’ve found YouTube to be helpful at times when searching for advise. As with everything in life particular online content check the source, the videos I’ve been using come from reputable sources.

Anyhow back to the pool.

Got onto the stairs and eased myself in, going up stairs for me is actually fairly easy, it’s going down that’s hard.

I forgot how cold the pool at the gym is OMFG it’s cold! It was good in a way, it prompted me to get moving.

Now it wasn’t until I lined up with the lane marker it hit me. I’ve not been in this pool for over three months and last time I was in a deep level of pain. The sort of gut wrenching  pain, when I was last in the pool the pain was so bad, I had no idea how I was going to get out, I did however (get out!)

I was confident this time it would be different, with the words of my Physio and PT in my head “go easy” I took my time in taking my first steps in the water. It almost felt like a baby learning to walk. I could feel the buoyancy of the water which really helped reduce the load off my knee and back (something that is a real problem on land) I did a couple of laps up and down.

I started to feel more comfortable with this, so it then came time to try going backwards.

This is a lot harder and I again used the underwater lane marker to ensure I kept straight. This lasted for about 1 length of the pool as I was so worried about how I was traveling I decided that was enough.

I decided to continue, but any work was to be forwards. I did a couple more laps then I decided it was time to see if I could do sideways.

I was initially cleared to do this but when I queried my Physio she erred on the side of caution. After trying a couple or steps it was clear this was not a clever thing to try and I stopped. Continued walking down the pool forwards for a few more lengths.

It was then time to get into the Spa.

The area this is in makes using and storing crutches difficult, so without them I carefully limped over and walked in holding onto the handrail for dear life!

Spa was fantastic, so much warmer and nicer than the pool! I love the spa, I don’t have a bath at home and I so miss them. The warmth of the water the pressure from the spa jets was awesome.

While I was nervous the entire time it was so great to get back into it. Sadly the strapping on my ankle didn’t hold up too well and I’m going to have to cut some of it off and re-apply.

Only a small thing! Mind you I must learn how to stirrup strap, it’s going to serve me well.

Planning to go back to the pool again  tomorrow and the current tape won’t last a second visit, so I’ll have to give that some through as I don’t think having an untapped ankle in the pool right now is a great idea.

Overall a really positive experience and I’m looking forward to doing it again.

I write this blog entry as I’m at a local cafe waiting for them to bring me an amazing chicken salad.

The past week has been very challenging, I’ve had a second surgical consult and the path forward is now clear. While surgery was a strong possibility previously there was not a strong diagnosis or treatment approach. There is no way I was going to consent to explorative surgery. The consensus from friends is that Sportsmed SA are leaders in dealing with my type of injury and with a suggestion from my podiatrist I selected a surgeon to meet with.

Now I don’t think anyone should “love” there surgeon, but a straight shooter, no hold bars up front approach is what I needed and more importantly he provided.

Explained to me what’s happened and more importantly the current and future management plans.

I’ve had to take a lot of time off work as I have been struggling to cope with the most basic things, little loan hold up working full time. To their credit work have been incredibly supportive.

Prior to the second consult on Tuesday I was at a massive loose end and starting to get really depressed. Gone was my normal cheerful self and the most mundane things were big efforts. With no clear path forward the road ahead seemed untenable.

I’ve been credited as a positive thinker and while on the surface that’s true. Deep down its a battle.

A battle not taken on alone, team pilko is now a group of 11 , I have brought together a massive team of people to get me through this.

After a great consult with my Physio this morning who I think can read me better than I give her credit for, we both look at each other to gauge reactions. I try and hold my own particularly in pain. So despite trying to put on the brave face and say “it’ll be fine” my Physio really can read me like a book and know when I might be fibbing just that bit!

I’m now stopping for lunch before battling a daemon head on.

I believe most of my injury was either done in the pool or at least aggravated by it.

Today a limited clearance from my Physio has been given to return to the pool. This is something that I’ve wanted to do for ages but wanted to make sure I wouldn’t aggravate what is already a sore and partially broken Pilko! With ankle strapped, I’m now preparing to return to the very place that this pain begun.

With being out of the moon boot, I’m having to support the ankle myself and that is proving quite the challenge. The moon boot is great in supporting the ankle and taking pressure off, but it comes at a massive price as the joint is immobilized which weakens it.

I need to continue to build the strength up in the coming weeks so that the ankle is as strong as possible pre-surgery. This I’m told should help with post of re-hab. Apparently what I’m doing now according to my Physio it “pre-hab” 🙂

I’m a fighter and I’m going to reclaim the pool as the great place it deserves to be. Create some new memories, rather than reflect on the pain and suffering in the past.

I look forward to sharing my experience with you.

Lunch is served!

Because this blog is open to the world I need to be mindful of what I share.

With that in mind I am drafting my next post and will publish it over the weekend.

I have some interesting thoughts to share, but right now this blog will have to wait!

Until the weekend…