So I’ve strugled to get over my ankle injury, I’ve made some judement calls, some I’ve got right, some I’ve got wrong.

I’m really impatient at slowing down, I just want to literrally get back onto my feet and be “over this” well I’m a bit of a slow learner and some would say I’ve been an idot.

What do I mean by this? Well part of this injury was caused due to me pushing through pain and not listerning to my body. Now more than ever I need to listen to my body and ignore outside disturbances. I’m not saying that they arn’t imporant, just right now they can wait.

I took heart that from the day of surgery I was cleared for weight baring on my ankle, which I thought was great. Being NWB (non weight bearing) is very hard for me, as it means one leg takes all my weight and I load up other parts of my body to compenstate, it’s also brutual on my arms.

I was so pleased to get advise from both my Physio and Podiatirist yesturday, I’m struggling to clarify the advise I have on discharge from hospital.

There’s a fine line between resting and staying off your ankle and limiting moblity to getting back on your feet and walking “as normally as possible”. It’s still important to regually do all your assigned exercises religiously but at the same time, not over doing it.

Because I had no significant pain for the first 48 hours I really did push myself too hard to walk on the foot and now I’m paying for it. My foot is very swollen and painful.

Yesturday I decided to NWB all day and it’s paying off, today I’m feeling a lot better as a result. It’s now time to stay NWB for another day or two as I really need to let my body recover.

I’ve just discovered iBooks on the iPad and didn’t realise you can create collections of your own files. For me it now means I can have all my rehab information and medical advise at my finger tips rather than having to fight various bits of paper.

I’m lucky to have a well equiped home office which means I can produce and manage most things. Being able to scan to PDF and print colour has been great.

So today I’m starting to get better at resting, but also keeping myself entertained (otherwise known as keep yourself busy/distracted).

I wouldn’t say i’m enjoying the time as I’m frustrated that I can’t do more, but I do accept this more readily as I know that if I don’t rest I’m going to delay my rehab which must be and is my sole focus right now.

While the frustration is eating away at me, I still consider myself to be very lucky. I’ve teamed up with a great surgical team and I have a clear diagnosies path and recovery.

Part of this is I was able to use the private health system to to this.

I still find it amazing they call this elective surgery. No one would ever want to have surgery but you reach a time where it is the only logical step to take.

I really feel for those that don’t have access to the same level of health care I have. I’ve had friends go through the public system and the time it takes to do everything is just far too long.

It’s taken me about 4 months and thats far too long, I know people that have waited a year to just see a specalist little lone get into surgery. Thankfully that part is all behind me now. All I have is to deal with now is three wounds that have stiches in them for another week and a half and a bandaged foot that must remain intact until the post surgery consult.

While for me it seems difficult now, I’m getting better at working with it and while compared to many other people I’ve got off lightly.

I work at a Christan private school, I’m very lucky that we have a number of really tallented people on staff. One of these people is the school chaplin.

He has been a great support to me as it is fair to say in my mind I’m fighting for life. Not wanting to sound too melladramatic but I’ve not had much of a life these past few months, so it’s a fight to “re-gain” life.

The chaplin has provided guideance, care and support and has helped me on a faith level.

It’s really nice to have a workplace where your faith and wellbeing plus your day to day work can be supported.

So while I’m cleared to full weight bear, I’m not up to it right now.

Being able to shower and freshen up is really important. I love my showers and despite it being a big effort to keep my bandages dry I manage.

I’ve hired a shower stool and with the help of about 5 towels and two plastic bags I’ve got it down to a fine art!

Shower stool

My bagged foot

Owners view 😉

So I want to have a hot cooked lunch today, I can’t stand for long so seated on a kitchen chair and my leg elevated I can watch as lunch cooks 😉

So according to surgical records I’m recovering from a Left ankle arthroscopy & debridement + talor ostetomy + subtalar joint arthotomy & washout.

All I know is as this week comes to an end I’m trashed, mentally, physically and emotionally.

I had a lot of anxiety leading up to surgery, by general standards even after loosing 26kg I’m still morbidly obese, however because I’m under 150kg I made my life for surgery a lot easier. Patience of 150kg or more present quite a few problems.

I was worried about not waking up and not coping afterwards, I’m in new territory and there is only so much planning you can do to prepare yourself. Loosing a day before surgery was hard. Even though I had spent weeks focused on this date I still put off in my mind the realization of what lay ahead. Ultimately I’m still not coping with the fact that I have injured myself as part of getting my life back (improvement in diet and exercise)

Right now as I run at the maximum daily doses of all pain killers I’m able to take I feel particularly low.

I’m told my surgery went well and I’ve had a rather large bone fragment remove from my ankle. I know something has changed as I have different pain awareness.

The first 48 hours post OP were weird, I was lucky that I woke up easily and without complication and despite feeling incredibly nauseated and drowsy I felt fairly comfortable.

One of the modern ways of treatment for surgery is a “nerve block” essentially they inject local anesthesia in the effected area to reduce pain and promote healing.

For me the result was very strange, the general knocked me around mentally but thankfully I didn’t have many side effects. I take my hat of to the surgical team as they managed my list of questions and anxiety well.

With the nerve block it lasted almost a full 48 hours, which was nice. It presented its own problems as I had no feeling or sensation or movement in my foot for that period.

What did initially worry me was when I woke up I was able to “wiggle my toes” later in the night I couldn’t. As I was day surgery I called the the hospital for advise and they got me to check that I still had warmth on my foot, which I did so all was well.

I organized a couple of home visits while the nerve block was still in place as I knew I would struggle once that wore off.

The level of pain I’m in right now I would still describe as chronic, but it is different to what I’ve endured the past four months.

The past week has been a very difficult time emotionally as I can not begin to describe what  sustained chronic pain does to a person.

It was nice to get the feeling and movement back in my foot but now I have to be very careful with my foot as if I don’t rest, elevate and ice the ankle enough I make the pain all that much worse.

I hadn’t realized until last night how swollen and bruised my ankle is, where I compare it to pre op photos and to my good ankle it’s a little scarey.

I’ve had it reviewed and there is nothing to worry about it will just take time.

I’m moving a lot slower than I had hoped, but I’m finally started to accept better where I’m at and it’s still early days. I still struggle to rest properly and I look forward to returning to work and every other “normal” day to day activities soon. What I have found over the past week is that I have to listen and follow the medical advise I’m given.

Strangely enough in this situation, they know best and I have to get over myself and trust them.

I’m not dealing with the frustration I have about this whole situation all that well. It is something that will take me time to overcome.

I had hoped to be cleared to return to seated personal training this week. But a visit with my Physio really did help me re-focus on resting and recovery.

While it might be nice to think about getting the blood flowing and the heart rate up, right now my body needs to recover from the trauma of surgery. Stressing the body is not the way to go!

I had an hour long consult with my Physio today and for once all the jokes she made were far worse than mine. My Physio knows me quite well and could see that I am focused on the job at hand but needed some help to focus my attention to the detail that will literally see me back on my feet.

It was a great hour long consult, I still can’t work out where the time goes.

One of the things that helps both of us in these consults is I’m hyper organised. I will always have a list of what I want to cover and I have copies of reports and scans which helps.

Tonight my pain isn’t any less, I’m just getting better at managing it, when they tell you to take pain relief at regular intervals not just when your in pain, for the short term do it. I’ve tried to “brave it out” and that was just dumb.

You really do need to have confidence in yourself, which I’m started to get back and it’s amazing what you can achieve when you do.

I’ve got a new exercise to add to my home exercise program and I’ve now started some fish oil capsules. I’m hoping the fish oil can help my recovery and undo some of the bad that is being done by some of the other meds I’m taking.

My poor old body apart from dealing with surgery it’s taking a massive hit with medication.

Thankfully the house is well stocked with food and I’m not doing too badly on the healthy eating regimen.

I have a lot more I’d like to post about but I don’t have the energy right now.

This should give you a good update of my progress so far, slowly does it in so many ways right now.

So I received a call today from my Surgeon’s P.A. asking if I could come in for surgery a day early.

I don’t think I’ve ever so clearly stated “yes” in my life.

Mind you, I’ve now lost a day of preparation and rather than take it easy I’ve had to push myself.

That said, everything is fairly much in place I just need to let the process take its natural course.

My surgery is now late morning instead of early morning so if I’m awake before 6am I get to have “breakfast” that beats nothing to eat from Midnight.

Given that I’m not sleeping well, if I’m awake prior to 6am I will eat something small, if not I hope to sleep through.

I’m still worried about what is going to happen, that’s natural, one day, one step at a time.

So what’s wrong with me?

I have a Lateral taler dome enterer osteoschondral defect with chronic synovitis

In the subtaler joint I have a lateral process of the talus fracture which is more commonly known as “snowboarders ankle”

All I know is that over the past four months I have been in constant pain, despite rest and being placed in a “moon boot” for four week,  the pain (the worst I have ever experinced) and inablity to walk or weight bare comfortably on the ankle (I’ve been virtually full time crutches for the past 6 weeks)  has got to me the point I am now unable to work.

I have spent the past couple of weeks trying to build my strength up to put myself in the best condition for surgery.

Part of who I am as a person is what I do for a job, right now that job is getting myself better so I can return to work.

Currently I am unable to stand for longer than five minutes at a time and unable to walk any great distance without stopping for a rest.

Being on crutches means I am loading up various parts of my body to compenstate and they are not coping with this pressure.

There for I am now soley foccused on recovery. To date I have been doing “pre-hab” and surgery is scheduled for the morning of Wednesday.

The surgery itself is fairly short around 45 minutes however the preperation will take time. Thankfully the bulk of the surgery will be by arthroscopy, with one open incission to remove a bone fragment.

I have a checklist of things I need to do and not do prior to surgery and having not been through surgery as an adult it will be an interesting experince.

I’m not going to post more about my fear and concerns as yet, I don’t think that would be wise.

So for now, I think I have managed to finally get this post out of my system and I can now try and hopefully get some sleep!

3 Days, 19 hours 55 minutes and 10 seconds, that’s the time left until I present to hospital for surgery.

As a control freak and recovering perfectionist and as someone who likes to departmentalize “box” my life I’m still coming to terms with all this.

I’ve had quite a few medical appointments over the past few weeks and this week has all been about consolidation, making sure I know enough about what is going to happen to me, but not too much and make sure I’m prepared as well as I can be for the journey ahead.

In my head I thought that journey was coming to an end with surgery. Not in the slightest, the journey to now will end but a new one will start. Somehow I thought that it would mean I would be quickly back on my feet and all would be well again.

Guess I somehow escaped to a dream world. I can not begin to explain the mental anguish and pain i’ve come through these past months. It really has stolen my life, my general well being. It’s totally changed my perspiration of the world. When I look to go out I factor in the weather, how’ll I’ll get there, what sort of parking is there, if the ground is flat, if the ground is slanted or if the ground is loose (rubble etc) I also have to get my paing management correct. I have about a 3 hour window of “less pain” get it wrong and I’m even more nausious than normal or worse stuck somewhere in deblitating pain.

What this means is that is it forced me to become a lot more self aware and self check a lot, which is very hard to do so often.

One of the key things from this week is everyone is wishing me ‘good luck’

I find this notion interesting, as it would indicate a degree of “luck” is required.

Was it bad luck I’ve managed to injure myself so badly that surgery is the answer? It might be, but the road back to recovery is not luck its a mind set, determination and as my physio said to me this morning, being stubborn helps.

I’m hard on myself and don’t always give myself credit where credit is due, plus I burden myself with expectations, it’s in my nature. Not sure where it comes from but it does get in the way.

It amazes me how sporting professionals have massive injuries and you hear about their dedication to recovery. I’m not saying my injuries or rehab is anything like this but for where I’m at the road to recovery appears long and hard.

The week ahead is still largely unknown, I have an idea of what is on the horizon but exactly what the new day will look like is not an exact science.

All I know is that I’m prepared the best I can be and I have great support around me.

When I met with the surgeon doing the week to go over a mile long list of questions I had he mentioned that I would have some serious down time post op.

When you bugger up a major weight baring part of your body like I have, post op you literally have to STOP. This means non weight bearing and living R.I.C.E. (Rest, Ice,Compression, Elevate)

I wasn’t ready to hear from my surgeon that to go forward I have to go back. I’ve spent the last few weeks strength training to ensure I’m as well as I can be so that the rebound from surgery is as short as possible.

It’s now time to literally put my life in the hands over others to help me through to the next stage in my life and “they” say this journey and experience will make me stronger as a result.

What this experience/journey to date has done is made me more aware of myself, my surroundings and highlighted both my strengths and weaknesses.

I think it’s from that and being able to recover from that depth of constant chronic pain, the constant nausea and medicine side effect. To the self doubt and loss of hope is where that character building comes from.

It’s one hell of a journey and I’m looking and facing rehab full on so I can get back on my feet and get my life back.

I started in October 2011 to regain my life, this has slowed me down, far more than I had ever imagined. To believe in your self, have confidence in yourself and to achieve your goals no matter how big or small that is what it is about.

So as always, “You can slow me down, but you will never stop me”

I keep pitching it and I’m getting better and believing it.

I have no idea when I’ll update this blog again, enough to say bring it on (the rehab that is) so  can get back to doing what I love. The surgery still worries me!

Given that I can’t stand and cook and I’m over high greasy/ fat foods have conceded to lite n ezy for the time being, just for dinner. While I prefer fresh food, at least this way it’s healthy

So this topic has been on my mind to post about for sometime.

I’ve also not been coping to well with the idea and haven’t felt comfortable talking about it in any great detail.

At the moment I’m struggling to get around, to do so I’m using crutches.

Essentially I have a bone fragment floating around in my ankle, some cartilage damage and some other swelling and damaged tissue.

Surgery I’m told is going to be fairly straight forward ankle arthroscopy with a separate incision to remove the bone fragment.

It’s day surgery and full recovery time is around six weeks. I had initially thought that I would be walking freely straight after surgery, but this isn’t going to be the case. It will all come down to how I go, but essentially I will need to stay off the ankle for a couple of days post OP, then limit weight bearing if any for a few days and then be on crutches for about a week.

I really had hoped to get rid of the crutches, while they mean I can get around a bit easier having both your arms taken up with them makes shopping and general carry tasks very difficult. I’m very lucky that one of my sisters made a shoulder bag for me to use.

I’ve not had surgery before under a general anesthetic, the last surgery I had was under a local and I went into shock.

I met with my surgeon today to go through a list of concerns I had and even though he was running 35 minutes late to see me and I kept him longer than the scheduled time he was all too happy to answer in detail to my satisfaction every single question I asked.

I have complete confidence in this surgeon and while I’m still not exactly sure of what to exactly expect, I’ve been briefed the best and I’m in good hands.

Now I’m happy with where that is at, I’m now consolidating my approach and am focused on making sure I’m as fit and well as possible.

I have been in the pool three days in a row and even trained for an hour yesterday. Today was a rest day and it’s back to the gym pool tomorrow.

I’m not going to be cleared for the gym pool for at least two weeks post surgery, so I’m in the process of making contact with a rehab hydo pool near home which I hope to make use of. They work with a lot of workcover type and pre and post op patients, with a deeper pool then the gym and one kept at 34 degrees I expect it to be refreshing 🙂

So consolidation and pre surgery prep is where it’s at, I’m also looking forward to restocking the pantry and fridge with fresh fruit, veg and meat. I’ve let it slip and I’m not enjoying what I’m eating.

So I’ve neglected my blog again, I’m over it 🙂

I have ideas I just don’t have the dedication to update it regularly, I update when I can.

I was going to post on another topic tonight, but through my RSS feeds I noticed a friend post about a upcoming movie called Inspired.

It tracks a whole pile of people who for one reason or another get inspired to make lifestyle change, it follows their journey and they document it.

The movie is based on their observations.

One of the stories covered is a USA special services officer who did too many para shoot jumps and ended up unable to work unaided.

Rather then accepting this he fought hard, didn’t take no for an answer and can now run.

The video here is his story Never, Ever, Give Up. Arthur’s Inspirational Story

For me my crisis came from a cardiac scare, type 2 diabetes scare and a strong belief I was missing out on life.

I’ve just turned 34 a couple of months ago and I have a lot of life yet to live.

My choices over the past few years haven’t been great. In diet and exercise and in so many other ways.

I’m sick of having to shop in special “Mr Big shops” I’m sick of things of the rack not fitting. While we are all unique and we should stand out, your size and shape should not be the reason you stand out.

I want to be different and see as such and that is why I’m inspired to make the changes I’m making.

Now I’m not for a minute comparing my current situation with Arthur. I am however saying that we all in own ways need to be inspired and be inspired.

For me I’ve pulled together a team of people who I work well with. We have a common goal. It’s not one thats easy to achieve but we are all fully committed.

Today I engaged a new personal trainer to supplement one I am already using. There is nothing wrong with my current PT but I wanted to add to the challenge.

Tonight I am now paying for that challenge and expect to be even sore tomorrow, but as the new PT pointed out. My lower body might be broken but there is absolutely nothing majorly wrong with my upper body.

It still surprises me even now how I can remain so positive and focused on the path ahead (rehab) for I know it’s not something I can do by myself.

I do however know that where I can’t do it by myself I have those around me with their help I can.

It might be the co-worker who doesn’t see me for a while and remarks on the changes they notice.

It might be the PT that pushes more out of you when you think you’ve got nothing less.

It might be yourself stopping you from making bad food choices.

In the end its up to you to make the change, have the confidence and belief that you can do it, no is not the answer.